Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
