some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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