I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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