Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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