dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize