if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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