I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
