have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
