i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
