You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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