New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
