We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Did I show you my penis last night?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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