Can i not drive my cunt home
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
