The best revenge is premature balding
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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