I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
