not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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