nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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