fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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