it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
