The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
