When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
