My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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