if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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