I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
