So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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