You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
