Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
