my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
