I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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