So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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