So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
