There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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