Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
