Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
