I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
