the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
