im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
