I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
