True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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