Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
