Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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