nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
