Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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