i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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