Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
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