i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
