Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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