i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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