I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
