you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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