Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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