if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize