my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
