some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
