the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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