SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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