So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
