How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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