You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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