you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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